We finally decided we were as ready as we’d ever be to expand our family. We had waited longer then we ever thought we would but we felt great about being able to buy our first home before taking the next step. But month after month went by and nothing changed. Still not pregnant. Growing up I always had this quiet fear that maybe I couldn’t get pregnant. I’m not sure why I thought that but I also thought it was probably a normal fear that any girl who hoped to one day be a mother might have. The longer I waited the greater my fear got, and the more I knew that I just needed to find my strength in Jesus. God promises that He will give us the desires of our heart if we seek after Him, but he never promises that He’ll give us everything we want in life, in the exact way and at the exact time that we want it. He was teaching me to be patient and to trust in His plans for me and not my own!
“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21
Once we hit the 12-month mark we started seeking information about infertility. I must admit that this was a low time in my life. Really, it was a low time for both of us but thankfully God used it to strengthen our marriage. This was definitely the largest trial God had ever placed before either of us. After many doctors appointments it was confirmed that I was actually perfectly healthy (a huge relief) and a simple vein surgery for Jeremy may be all we needed (this is where I’ll spare you the details!). Finding out what was keeping us from getting pregnant was on one hand such a relief. We had some answers, some specific things to be praying for and a plan of action. However, it definitely came as a shock and was an emotional time for us. Again, the Lord was teaching us to seek after Him and trust in Him!
Jeremy had his surgery in December ’09 and it was as good of an experience as you could hope for when it comes to surgery. What seemed like such a simple, routine outpatient surgery proved difficult in recovery but Jeremy was such a trooper! I’ll never forget one of the first things he said as the anesthesia was just beginning to wear off. After multiple times of opening his eyes with a look of panic on his face, trying so hard to lift his head and sit up only to quickly flop back down in the hospital bed, he looked at me and said in the sweetest voice “Can we have a baby now?”. Oh I just lost it! I sat down next to him and just cried. I couldn’t understand how I could be so blessed with such an amazing husband who had the desire to be a father almost more then I desired to be a mother and yet God was still giving us this trial! I wasn’t angry, I just couldn’t make any sense of it! I knew He must have something bigger for us then we could see. And that was my prayer. That when this process came to some sort of conclusion that God’s work in our lives and in this trial would be sooo clear that even our friends and family who don’t believe in Him would see it! I couldn’t wait to give Him all the glory!
But now we were back to the waiting process. We were told that it would take some time, that the odds were in our favor but that there was no guarantee that we would get pregnant. We were also told that it would take a minimum of 3 months before we’d see any improvement at all, and that most couples with this type of infertility don’t get pregnant until at least 5-10 months after surgery, if at all.
Then came February. It had only been 2 months so we weren’t expecting much, but in my heart I knew God was bigger then any of these trials and ultimately we would get pregnant in His timing (if it were His will for us), no matter what the doctors said about our “chances”. My cycle was running behind schedule but at first I didn’t really think much of it. There had been many months where this was the case and it was proving to be just more challenge in trying to get pregnant. They say timing is everything but it was impossible for us to predict! Once I hit day 41 I finally allowed myself to buy a pregnancy test. Most women would know they are pregnant if they reached 41 days but not me! Long story short, I got 3 negatives and even a negative blood test result! This was the first time I had actually allowed myself to cry after a getting a negative. It was also the first time that I really believed I was pregnant, which is why it took 3 negative home tests and a negative blood test to convince me that I wasn’t. This was the lowest of all my lows!
March rolled around making it 3 months since Jeremy’s surgery and he went in for another test to see just how successful it was. On April 1st we got the results back. There were signs of small improvement, but according to the doctor, it wasn’t significant enough to get pregnant (at least not yet). The doctor was honest, but also encouraged us that this was to be expected and that we should just continue to wait and things should keep slowly improving. Although it wasn’t perfect news, Jeremy and I talked about it, prayed about it, and decided that we would try to be patient and give it a few more months before we would consider attempting any fertility treatments or adoption. I just really wanted to get pregnant and I really wanted it to be “unassisted”!
My cycle was late again, and 41 days late exactly on the day of that doctors phone call. That was nothing new for me though and I wasn’t about to even allow myself to start thinking I might be pregnant. I just went through all of that! A few more days went by and still nothing. I was starting to get upset that we might have a new issue to face in this journey of infertility and that maybe I wasn’t as perfectly healthy as they thought. So on Tuesday, April 6th I sent Jeremy a text and asked him to pick up the cheapest pregnancy test from the grocery store on his way home from work. There was no way I was going to spend $7 on another fancy test just to tell me what I already knew… “Not Pregnant”. However, a small amount of hope was starting to creep in on me so I figured this was the only way to squash that and be back in reality. (Don’t ask me where this pessimism came from; I’m typically a “glass-half-full kind of girl”!)
Now previously, the few times I had purchased a pregnancy test I would race home and take it right away, anxiously waiting those 3 minutes for the results and they never seemed that clear. This was different though. I wasn’t taking the test to find out if I was pregnant, I was taking the test to confirm that I wasn’t. So, once Jeremy got home we ate dinner, watched some TV and got ready for bed all while that little box sat in the grocery bag on the counter. I had almost forgotten about it until I poured myself a glass of water in the kitchen and went to shut off the light. There it was. Jeremy was taking the garbage out so I thought that was the perfect chance to run to the bathroom and take it real quick. Last time he practically broke down the bathroom door while I was peeing on the darn thing because he wanted to see the results so bad! This way I knew I could take the test in private and then gently deliver the negative results so he wouldn’t have to wait impatiently like last time. The lines started showing up almost instantly. But I couldn’t tell if I was reading this stupid cheap test right. Was a plus sign positive? My heart was pounding and I was fighting back tears but I was sure I was reading this thing wrong. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, the doctor had just told us we wouldn’t be for a while! (In hind sight it seems pretty obvious that of course plus and positive go together!) I kept checking the diagram on the box and looking at the test back and forth. Why can’t I figure this out?! I heard Jeremy walk back inside and I just stood there in our bedroom, frozen and crying. When he walked in he was confused. I think he forgot about the test too. He was ready to start consoling me until I blurted out “What does this say?!” He grabbed the test out of my hand and proceeded to do the exact same thing I did… compare the diagram to the test back and forth, back and forth. I kept saying “I think that’s positive! Is it positive?”
Neither one of us was really sure, so Jeremy did the only thing he knew to do in a situation like this… call is older sister Jen in Seattle. (He also happened to call her on the second day of our Honeymoon to ask her a question… but don’t worry, that was about what he should do about the swollen eye that the gardenia I had worn in my hair had given him!) Of course Jen stayed calm and reminded Jeremy that it was hard for her to tell without looking at the test herself, but that it sounded like it might be positive. So, to be sure, he took a picture of the test with his phone and texted it to her! (I can’t believe we did that! Sorry Jen!) The text seemed to take a few minutes to go through so while we were waiting for Jen’s confirmation, we decided to drive to the store at 11pm and buy a different brand. Forget this horizontal and vertical line business, we needed to see that word “Pregnant” to know for sure. So I filled up my water bottle and starting guzzling as we drove to the store. I laughed at myself because I felt like I was experiencing first hand the opening scene from the movie Juno. If only I had some Sunny D!
While we were driving, Jen called back and said “Yep, that says pregnant for sure!” I couldn’t believe it! Was this real?! I had to see that word! So we bought the second test anyway and sure enough, we’re pregnant! And 6 weeks at that! Once again, God has shown Himself strong! His plan is bigger and better then any of our dreams! Why did I ever doubt that?
(So much for sparing you too many details, huh? I promise I did spare some!)
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