The Journey Continues...

Yesterday we had our first appointment with Dr. W, our new OB who specializes in multiples. We weren’t really sure what to expect from the appointment but I was excited to get more questions answered and meet our new doctor. Jeremy was able to get work off and met me there. We were crossing our fingers for an ultrasound so that we could just see those babies again! I wanted that reassurance again that they were still there and healthy.

The appointment seemed to go as expected at first. Dr. W answered a few questions and then we moved on to the ultrasound. I noticed right away that one baby seemed larger then the other but I waited for the doctor to tell us what we were actually looking at. He focused in on “Baby A” first. There was a clear outline of a head and body and you could see the heart beating. “Baby A” was very active and was moving around a lot. Dr. W said that although it made it harder to get good sonogram pictures, it was a great sign of a healthy baby. It was so fun to see what looked like an actual baby in there! I felt like I could relax a little bit. The heartbeat was normal at 160bpm and we got to see the baby’s arm and what looked like little feet too!

Then we moved on to “Baby B”. As Dr. W was searching to get a good view I mentioned that I noticed that at first glance “Baby B” seemed smaller. By his reaction I immediately knew something wasn’t right. He confirmed that he had noticed the same thing and then explained what we were looking at. There was really nothing about “Baby B” that looked like a baby. It was much smaller then “Baby A” and was in a much smaller sac too. There was no movement and Dr. W confirmed there was no heartbeat. He said that “Baby B” looked as though it has stopped growing at about 7 weeks and had miscarried.

At first we both seemed to take the news ok. I felt like I had known all along that this was a possibility so I guess in some way I wasn’t completely surprised. We had a lot more questions and Dr. W was great at gently delivering the bad news and encouraging us. He said that at this point we should expect that “Baby A” will be just fine. He wants to monitor me carefully over the next few weeks to make sure that “Baby A” continues to grow while the evidence of “Baby B” will shrink and ultimately will become what they call a vanishing twin. He also explained how, if all goes well, I shouldn’t experience the physical side of a miscarriage. If I do, that would put “Baby A” at risk of miscarrying also.

Here’s “Baby A”:

And here is “Baby B” (Notice the scale on the right side - this picture is zoomed in much closer then the pic of "Baby A"):

Once the nurse and Dr. W left the room, we both just lost it. We just sat there and cried. We had sonogram pictures of both “Baby A” and “Baby B” and we kept looking at them and the difference was so clear. I finally had to tuck them away in my purse so we could try and pull ourselves together enough to leave the office!

Needless to say it turned out to be a difficult night for us. We spent a lot of time making phone calls to our parents and texting people to let them know and ask for their prayers. It was not the kind of news we wanted to have to share. I am an optimistic person and always seem to find a way to look on the bright side of any situation or trial I am faced with. I kept thinking things like, “Well, at least I can look forward to a more normal pregnancy,” and “I guess this means we won’t need to buy a bigger car after all.” And of course I don’t want to overlook the fact that even though we’ve lost one baby, I’m still pregnant! But it felt weird to talk about good things when really I was just sad. I think my dad said it best. He said, “Honey, that’s a good trait to have, but it’s ok. It’s ok to be sad today. Tomorrow you can be happy but it’s ok to be sad today. And we’ll be sad with you.” I don’t think Jeremy or I has cried that hard in a very long time. Actually, I don’t think we’ve ever cried that hard together until now.

As I was writing one of my posts from a few weeks ago, I wrote this:

“Have I mentioned how good God is yet?! I love living a life dedicated to Him. It’s filled with so much more joy and excitement then I could dream up for myself! Sure there are trials and life is not always easy or perfect, but it’s so worth the blessings!”

I ended up taking it out of the post because it didn’t seemed to flow with the rest of what I had written. But I kept it because I knew I wanted to say it at some point when it would fit better. Jeremy has been my “blog editor” to help keep me from getting too long winded and to minimize my tangents (I’m a master at “spiderwebbing” in conversations!) After I told him I was going to omit that part we started talking about how easy it is to praise the Lord in good times, but that it is a true test of our faith if we can still praise Him during our trials. I told him how I had felt a little convicted after writing it because I wasn’t sure if I would still feel that way if we were faced with another trial. I specifically used the example of if we were to lose one or both babies. He gave me that look that said, “why are you thinking about that”, but he also agreed. We both agreed that would be our prayer. That no matter the circumstance in this pregnancy or anything else in life, good or bad, we wanted to be able to praise the Lord for His divine and perfect plan. Life is not always easy or perfect. I don’t understand why God decided to take one baby away. But what I do know is that God is still good and His plans for my life are still filled with more joy and excitement then I could dream up for myself.